Farewell 2015!

What a ride it's been! 2015 has brought so much of everything, honestly it has been full to the brim. I can honestly say I had no idea going into 2015 the growth that our family would experience. This year will be one for the books for sure! I am so grateful of all the many miracles that took place in 2015 and will continue to take place in 2016. I look forward to the New Year as I say goodbye to a worry-some year and go into a year with new exciting things...Like a new and exciting BABY girl! AHHHH. Another baby?!?! Thank goodness I have some loving kids and husband, because I will surely become even crazier than I am now. Haha.

(Picture of the boys finding out there will be a new baby!)

Joseph started Kindergarten this year and he loves it! He loves learning and making new friends. He is a very active five year old and we are so grateful to have a huge backyard to get all of his energy out. He recently lost his two bottom teeth and we are enjoying the hole in his mouth. He continues to be the most loving tender boy I have ever met (even with his new found teenage attitude).

Hyrum is a sweet boy and is growing like a weed! I wish we could slow down time and keep him little forever. He loves to be helpful, play hard, and make everyone laugh. He misses his dad while he is at work and his brother while he is at school, but loves having Eliza to himself. When Eliza gets sad or hurt he will sit next to her and sing her a song until she is happy again (which doesn’t take long).

Eliza has been nothing short of a joy and a miracle to our family. The boys love her and pretty much our world revolves around her. Her health issues continue to be a thing of the past, and we look forward to getting her off of the seizure medication in January. From there she will have a few more tests just to see how her brain reacts to the change. But so far there has been no indication that she even needs the medication. She is hitting all of her milestone right on que and continues to be the happiest child, for that we are so grateful! We look forward to celebrating her on her first birthday on the 10th!

 Jason recently welcomed a new baby of his very own this month, a new truck! He is in love. Haha. The kids can’t wait until he gets home from work every day and when he does he spends the rest of the night under a bunch of crazy kids. He is Eliza’s best friend, she is the happiest when he is home holding her. We are so grateful for his unconditional love and never ending service to our family. 

OLD LADY ALERT and other news...

I have a 5 year old now and he starts kindergarten in 9 and a half hours! WHAT HAPPENED?!?!? I remember my first day of kindergarten, how can it be that I now have a baby in kindergarten? OLD LADY ALERT! I got to meet his teacher on Thursday and so far I love her and Joseph loves her too. As soon as we walked into his classroom I had to fight back the tears and that was just open house! Haha. I'm going to be in big trouble tomorrow. I will try to write an update and post pictures tomorrow during nap time. Jason was able to give Joseph a father's blessing and that was incredibly special to witness; so grateful for Jason and the Priesthood in my life.

Courtesy of AshleyCallPhotography

Eliza had her appointment with her neurologist on Thursday and it went as expected. First I just have to say again that I absolutely LOVE her Dr. (maybe a little too much. haha). He showed us her MRI and it was pretty cool to see how many tiny little folds are in her cerebellum. So it is abnormal, but she is the first documented person with this abnormality, which means... we know nothing (I'm getting used to this). He said that he is not concerned because she is developing so well and even a little advanced in some milestones. He is convinced that her brain abnormalities are genetically related and spoke with the geneticist (we meet with her on Wednesday). So the game plan is to just love her, help her grow, reach milestones, and remain seizure free. If she continues to be seizure free, (which I have no reason to believe that she will have another seizure) then when she is a year he will take her off of the last remaining medication!!!! GREAT NEWS! There is still a chance that once the medication is out of her system she will have a seizure and will need to continue it for the remainder of her life, but that is a risk we are willing to take. Pretty much all seizure medications are hard on the liver and being on them long term is not something you want if you don't actually need to be. Anyway...Great news this week!

And not to leave Hyrum out... He is talking more and more and it is sooooo cute. Some of my favoriet words of his are, "Buppy"- Cup, "Sesss"- Sister, "Ass"- Ice, "Woot"- Food, he also say Joseph, hungry, and a whole lot more but I have no idea how to spell the way they sound. Haha. He is a little prankster, always giggling and trying to make others laugh (often getting himself into trouble). He is such a joy!

Eliza Update

Eliza's neurologist called me this week with some (what I feel is) great news. He confirmed what we already know about Eliza's heterotopia, that it is there and we know nothing more about it until a repeat MRI in a few years. The slowness in the back of her brain, he said, comes from the cerebellum. The cerebellum is the smaller "brain" looking part of the brain in the back of the head. It has small folds of brain matter and the thing that was noticed about Eliza's cerebellum is that she has many more folds than a normal cerebellum. So her Dr said that he doesn't exactly know what that means in regards to Eliza's future. He didn't seem overly concerned because she is meeting all of her milestones and seems to be developing right on track. He mentioned that a concern would have been if the cerebellum was underdeveloped, or too small. In cases such as those is where studies have shown slowness with physical and mental development as well as speech. He was pretty confident that a deformity, such as Eliza's, is a genetic issue and will be in contact with her geneticists. We meet with her neurologist in two weeks and her geneticists a few days after. I'm looking forward to learning more about the inner workings of this little brain and even deeper workings of her genes.

Eliza showing off her new swimming attire, she was obviously very excited! Haha.

Life is like a...

Our life has been pretty uneventful lately, staying busy with little family trips to the mountains, the zoo, parks, or just swimming. Trying to soak up the last summer I have before Joseph becomes a kindergartner! I try not to remind myself that I will go 6 hours a day not seeing my first baby (tears come regularly, if I think of it). He deserves to be in school though, he can't wait to learn more. Hyrum is starting to share some of his super cute words and I can see that he is very smart. He is pretty busy most every second of the day, he loves to spend hours outside playing in the sand. Joseph is more of a homebody and prefers to be inside playing with his toys. He is very imaginative these days, he loves to play vet and dinosaurs, or color pictures that tell a story (usually about scary stuff, like scorpions, and haunted houses. Haha). 

Eliza continues to be our miracle baby who is an absolute mystery. She is the cutest thing in town, smiling NON stop. Her giggle is AMAZING. She loves her family. She has two little teeth on the bottom and is having fun biting people. She is just about crawling now (by far the fastest mover out of my children). It's times like these, with Eliza, I think the doctors are completely off their rockers and all science is a crock. I get excited with Eliza hitting all of her milestones (and way faster than her brothers) and think maybe the tests are wrong or that one of her Drs will call and tell us that everything is "just perfect", but usually it's the opposite. Liza has had three major tests done in the last two months that slapped me in the face (for lack of a better way of explaining my feelings).

First one was her EEG, it wasn't all negative, actually it was quiet positive. Abnormal EEG showed few tendencies for seizures but not enough to keep her on all of her meds (so we were able to take her off all meds except one). That was great news, but I had it in my head that the test would be completely normal with everything being perfect. Lol. I guess I can laugh about that now, not sure why I was hoping for that. The EEG also showed some slowing in another part of her brain that the Neurologist was not exactly expecting, so he ordered a second MRI.

While waiting for the MRI appointment we received her results from the DNA test. This was the epilepsy panel, scanning the DNA for mutations known for causing epilepsy. It came back with two different mutations one of which is a dominant gene that either she inherited from both Jason and myself or she mutated on her own. To find out for sure, Jason and I have donated our DNA to science (this makes me laugh because we have suddenly become a science experiment). This was not exactly the news I was hoping for, once again, I think I was hoping that everything would come back normal and perfect. Everything I read about mutations on this specific gene is pretty sad and my heart hurts for the people who are affected by the disabilities that are caused by certain variations of this gene mutation. The variation that Eliza has is not documented ANYWHERE so she may very well be the first documented infant with this specific mutation. So with that knowledge we know absolutely NOTHING. The mutation could mean that she will be physically or mentally handicapped by the time that has already passed, to simple delays, or she will have nothing more than her "normal" seizure tendencies. For now, I will consider the unknown an annoying blessing. We have an appointment in August with her geneticists to talk more about the results and what they could mean for Eliza in the long term.

On Thursday Eliza had her MRI. She was such a cute little doll in her little hospital gown. Because she is so young she had to be sedated and that is always hard for me to see. I hate seeing my babies groggy, especially after Eliza spending the first few months of her life like that. Jason got the report back a few hours later and it pretty much confirmed what we already know, that there are abnormalities in her brain that there is really no written science in babies this young. I am just patiently waiting for the call from her Neurologist to get his opinion, but he won't call until he has literally read every medical journal on everything related and possibly spoken with his colleagues (one reason why I love this doctor). He will likely call next week.

So I end my day feeling a tiny bit defeated, but mostly mad at myself for feeling defeated. When this whole challenge started I told myself it would be a new way of life for us and everything would be fine. Deep down (maybe not super deep) I just thought that "everything would be fine" meant "everything will be perfect". So you see why I am mad at myself! Not everything has to be PERFECT for it to be fine, or even great! Miracles happen every single day! I don't at all want to wish away these beautiful moments with her soul, they are some of the most sacred moments I have ever had in my entire life (and if I wish her to grow up so that I can know her actual outcome I may behold a teenage redhead daughter who feels like I am ruining her life and slamming doors in my face. haha). I look in my daughter's eyes daily and know her and she is perfect. I see Heaven in her eyes, I feel it when she touches my face, when she sleeps in my arms, when I watch my boys with her. I wonder if every parent feels with their children what I feel when I am with mine. I hope so.

A year or so before our children came to us, Jason and I took our bikes to the beach and rode about 16 miles. It was a very hard 16 miles for my chubby self, I was really not prepared for it at all. I remember having to stop after each hill, which was about every 5-10 minutes, haha. The ride was amazing though, it was full of such beauty and at the end, accomplishment.  It was FULL of super tuff hills, hills I told myself that I couldn't possibly get over. Seriously, the only way I could keep going was to walk the bike up the hill, because I couldn't peddle fast enough to keep from falling over. Then there were the glorious moments of coasting down a hill with the sea breeze wisping through my hair and the small breathers where we just soaked up the view. I suppose the ride was a lot like life. Life is full of hills and sometimes mountains, and sometimes when the mountain is so large and you think you can't possibly go on there is our Savior, pushing us up. There are vista points to give you what you need to go on and to remind you of all that you are blessed with.

I like to think, my life has really been a pretty easy ride, I don't think there have been too many hills to climb and I don't think I have encountered a mountain yet. I don't know, maybe I'm climbing a mountain right now, slowly. There have been amazing vistas though. Sometimes I think it would be nice to just stop peddling and turn back around and continue down hill, but I guess that doesn't really get us to the amazing finish line. Beside that, with every hill you climb, the next hill seems a little more manageable. Right? So in my life I keep peddling, enjoying the vistas a long the way.

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." - Albert Enstein

The other day I came across this scripture and I just love it! What a beautiful reminder that, so long as we keep our faith in the God who created us, He will support us in everything and in the last day He will lift us up!  

"...whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day." -Alma 36:3

15 Years

To some 15 years seems like a short amount of time, for others it is an eternity. For me, 15 years is half of my life, as I will be 30 tomorrow (I am the age now that my mother was when she had me (how's the for super weird!?!).

I had the absolute privilege of having my sister and her family in town two weeks ago. I got to meet my new niece Kairi for the first time and to spend time laughing, and talking, and traveling with my sister for a week! I miss them so much it hurts and I don't think I have been the same since they left.

It has been 15 years since I have lived with my older siblings on a constant, live in, basis. I was 15 when I left my home in Washington and came to California to live with my Dad, and though it was a move that needed to happen and my life was improved because of it, I now see the damage and pain that my parents divorce has caused. I feel robbed! I miss so much the crazy times with my siblings, I HATE that I didn't have more with them, and I hate even more that I can't be a part of their lives and the lives of their children. I'm angry that I only get to see my siblings (if I'm lucky) once every two years and for only a short time (really only enough time to get caught up, never enough time to get to know them all over). I am so impressed every time I see my siblings or talk to them on the phone, how grown up they are and how incredible adults they have become.

Last time all of us were together 2014

I love to see my brother Derek be a dad, he is so incredible with his babies and so loving to his wife. He just turned in to this amazing man! My baby brother is not a baby anymore! He is a full size grown man with a beard and a wife! He has a job and pays bills. So crazy, I still can't get over the fact that he has armpit hair! Haha. My sister, I love her! I remember loving her always, even when we didn't get a long (which was most always). I wish more than anything that we could be neighbors. Our babies can grow up together, she can cook for me, and I can clean for her. We could shop together EVERYDAY! It is so fun to watch her be a wonderful momma! She sings to her baby, and reads to her, and laughs with her, and just loves her with more love that I have ever seen Laura posses. Ahhh, how I wish to be a witness to these moments regularly. But since I can't, I will admire them from afar, and when we do have moments together I will cherish them forever.

Spring and other things

I have let too much time go because, lets face it, it's SPRING and there is always a lot going on. I will try to catch up quickly before I fall asleep on the keys!

Eliza was blessed on March 15th. She wore her very special blessing dress that I had made out of my wedding dress. I really can't believe how beautiful it turned out! She looked like a princess, actually she looked like princess Diana in her huge wedding dress. Haha. The sleeves were so poofy that a lot of the pictures you couldn't even see her face because they were hiding it. We actually didn't get a whole lot of pictures, so I had my friend take some professional pictures the other day (I won't get those back for awhile though). In her blessing she was blessed with being a light to others and that she came at a time where she was needed to uplift others. She was also blessed to pursue her Education. I tried to write down what I could remember right after the prayer, but this is all I could remember.

Sweet Baby Hyrum had his birthday on the 23rd. I really can't believe that this little baby is TWO already! He has turned into this beautiful boy. He is SOOO silly, a real joke-stir. He loves to laugh, share, help me with anything I will let him help with, and learn new things. He is always "asking" in his own little no words way about everything.  He is so sweet to his baby sister, he loves her so much (really I have never seen a love so pure). This little green eyed boy is beautiful inside and out and we are so blessed to have him a part of our family.

Happy birthday pancakes

 Birthday haircut

 Hyrum had just fallen off the counter earlier this day and so he was terrified to be standing on the table, but I needed a picture of his shirt. Proud mom moment. haha.

Hyrum loves to hold Eliza and in this picture he had discovered her tiny ears.

This Easter was a special one (as if Easter could be anymore special). Easter fell on Conference Sunday and we were blessed to learn more about our Savior straight from the mouths of  our Prophets and leaders. I was able to finish all of the conference talks from Octobers conference right before the Saturday session started and I really feel like my life has been blessed by accomplishing that goal. I was reminded on several occasions of the way my Savior would have me live. I have the same goal this next time around to read the conference talks from the April conference. I will also have a goal to read every months Ensign. The boys had fun finding eggs and eating TONS of candy. Sadly I didn't get any pictures of Eliza in her "first Easter bib" haha.

As we all know spring resembles many things. To me it reminds me of all things new. The rain that comes in the spring washes away the impurities in our environment and it helps with the growth of all vegetation. Spring brings new beginnings. The weather has been sooo beautiful here, the flowers are blooming, the wind is blowing , and the sun is shinning. I feel rejuvenated and ready to start anew. I have set some new goals to aid in my spiritual growth and the growth of my children. I was reading the March 2015 Ensign (A new goal of mine to read the months Ensign) and in there I read an article that caused much reflection on my parenting style. The article is called "Talking about tough topics" and you can read it here:

 https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/03/talking-about-tough-topics?lang=eng

It caused me to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with myself and I have made some pretty serious promises to better myself and to treat my children in a way that reflects my love for them. I am a lot of things, but first and foremost, I am a MOTHER, to children who have been entrusted to me to teach, love, provide for, and to nurture. My goal is to remember how the Lord would treat them and do it.  They deserve it and need it. So here's to spring, clean slate and new goals!

First flower from my cherry tree!!

Heavenly Qualities

Everyday I have the privilege to watch my little boys grow through their everyday life. I get to experience parts of them that they only inherited through their Heavenly Father, which is very exciting!

Yesterday Joseph gave his fist talk in Primary at church. He was very calm and collected and he spoke loud and clear. He wasn't nervous at all! Already I can tell he will be a great speaker, like his dad.

Last Wednesday Joseph had his Kindergarten registration (I can't believe he is old enough for school now). He was so excited and wanted to bring his backpack. I had to break it to him that he wasn't actually going to school that day. I hope he remembers that, but I doubt he will. The day before he had to get his shots. He was very nervous and started to cry and panic, but he quickly turned it around and told me that he will be brave and just say "Ouch" when the shots hurt. He had four shots that day and I laughed the whole time! He was so cute! He was very very scared but all he would do is say "OUCH" over and over, even before the needle was in his arm. With the last shot his eyes welled up, but he did it! He was so brave and proud of himself, we had to get frozen yogurt after to celebrate.

Joseph also had a dentist appointment and was super brave. I was not able to stay with him the whole time because I also had an appointment so he was brave all on his own, no mamma to protect him!

Hyrum will probably not remember this, so I'm glad we have pictures. Pretty much every morning, after I feed Eliza, I lay her down on the floor in front the the slider so that she can soak in the sun. She falls asleep and I get Hyrum up and feed him breakfast. After breakfast he always goes to give Liza kisses. First he will kiss her head and then grab her hands and kiss them. He will usually lay down next to her for about ten minutes, just looking at her and kissing her. I think he remembers her from the preexistence and was just waiting for her to come to our family. He is very cute and tender towards her and I think they will always have a special bond because he loves her so much.

Memories

I remember when I was almost five. I think that's when my most sturdy memories come about. I remember my mom telling us that she was going to have a baby and being soooo excited. I remember sitting on her big pregnant belly and her singing me songs. I remember when Brandon was born and how he was the only thing I could think and talk about at school. I remember sitting on the bar-stool at the kitchen counter while my mom made me a sandwich before afternoon kindergarten. I remember my mom's soft voice almost as a narrator through out my memories. My mother was an exceptional mother, full of love and patience towards me. I was a pretty difficult, emotional, dramatic child and I really can't remember a loud voice from her.

I had a realization the other day that Joseph is now the age I was when I can remember my first real memories and a TON of things flood through my head. Am I being as nice to him as my mother was to me? Will his memories be happy ones? I hope his memories are grand. He will will never remember a time before Hyrum and maybe even before Eliza. I want his memories to be full of fun and love and voice full of compassion, love, and conviction. Not yelling and questioning.

I wish that I can offer him all that. I am a work in progress. I can be a pretty high-strung, anxious person. So when things aren't going my way or something is out of order I become someone I am not especially proud of. I am working on ways to just shut my frustrations down. When the house is a wreck and all I want to do is tidy it up but the baby is crying and the boys are emptying the toy box on the living room floor for the second time that day sometimes it doesn't seem to bother me and other times it does. I know the difference between the two.

When it really really bothers me and I start to feel like I have steam coming out of my ears and I start to yell and get angry it's because I am ONLY thinking of myself... I think, my house is a mess, I just want to clean it, I want to get out of the house, I want to put the kids in their car seats so they can just be still for a minute.... and so on.

When it doesn't bother me at all is when I am thinking about the kids. They are having so much fun getting that thousandth toy out! They are loud and racing up and down the halls, playing with each other. When the baby cries I get the opportunity to pick her up and and have a conversation with her eyes and hear her sweet little voice.

I want my children's memories of me to be good ones. I want them to not care about a dish in the sink, but for them to remember me singing them songs and dancing with them and playing with them. I am still trying to figure this parenting thing out and I hope that someday I can, hopefully while they are still young. So my resolution today is to care a little less about what I want and a little more about what they want, I will try to get a little muddy with them and chase them around the yard,  and I will talk in a softer more understanding voice, because those are the memories I want them to have.